As I’m about to mark my 23rd birthday on the calendar, I can’t help but reminisce on old events and old people in my life. To be fair, I also can’t help but be thankful of the people I recently met just before I hit 23.
I still have a lot of hangups and I figured that one way to lessen them is to write about them and write open letters to the people I owe. This will be a split of thanking and apologising to people. I owe people a lot of words but it’s still impossible for me to speak to some of the individual people personally so what’s a better way than utilise my blog for it, right?
You are the first on my list because there’s no other person perfect to begin this open letter with but you.
You are a spectacular being. You are supreme. You are all things wonderful and phenomenal. I never knew I’d believe in the concept of soulmates until I met you. You are the best boyfriend and father I never had. Throughout all the years of our communication, you’ve seen pretty much all aspects of me, but not once did you judge me. You are always the first to tell me when I’m digging my own grave but I never listen, yet you’re the first person to also help me up from the pit and dust myself off.
You have always believed in me and you still do. You always do.
You make me feel beautiful in all the ways no one else does. I owe you my love and my light for always being by my side and for being my constant rock and guiding step. You have shown me that there is beauty in darkness, in solitude, even in mayhem. You continue to open my eyes to reality, but hey, no matter how much crap we get, life is still wonderful.
I can never thank you enough for the wonderful things you’ve shown me. You will always, always have a place in my heart. I will always love you, you handsome beast.
I’d call you by your first name to make you feel the man you are, chin up, chest out and all, but let’s keep our love affair to ourselves, shall we? 😉
You broke my heart and I will never forget that. But in the process of doing so, I have found and loved myself even more. You showed me that no man can equate to the love I have to myself. You showed me that I could be my own person without having no one else, that there is no shame in being alone because there is beauty in solitude. There is peace in knowing that I could be by myself but still be happy.
However, I am still coping.
Months ago, this would have been a different blog post. There would have been a different kind of fire that is fueling me to write. This could have been a happy post. I struggled to see the goodness sometimes, but I tried, and when I did, it just blinded me. Now I’m writing this open letter to you because my heart is still not well. I am still hurting. And every day that I find myself looking back at what we had, I wish I didn’t belittle myself so much. I wish I saw more value in myself than in our relationship, which was but temporary. I wish I was more intact. But no matter how many tears I cry, I can never bring back time and I never wish to do so.
I keep looking at your profile, asking myself if this is real. I sometimes want to pretend that I have never known you, but the hole you dug in my heart is so deep it would take a lot of time to fill it out once again. I have no one in prospect but my heart is begging to be healed. And you are not the treatment that I need.
I hope, in time, I can finally and wholeheartedly forgive you. But for now, you will still be the first person I remember when I hear a love song that resonates with our failed love story, when I see pictures of tacos on my Facebook newsfeed, and when I see a white guy pass by me. But most of all, I will still remember you because once upon a time, I fell in love with you.
I owe you both my forgiveness and my apology. My forgiveness for your faults, my apologies for mine. I believe our relationship will never be the same, but I hope that one of these days, I would finally accept the bite of reality life’s giving me. It may not always be sugar, spice, and everything nice, but some sour story is necessary.
Some day I will understand it all. I hope.
Hello, stranger. We may have known each other and talked for only a few hours but those suffice to let me recall my worth as a person. You turned my world upside down with your words of wisdom, all of which are still applicable to my life and I suppose will be for a long time, still. Thank you for teaching me to be fluid and for showing me that being a one-man show is better than having a lot of friends but not really knowing yourself as your own person.
Thank you for giving me pieces of advice that I still remind myself time and again to this day. Thank you for finding me as an open-minded individual. I owe you a promise not to be myself, but to be a better version, to mind my own business, to do my own thing because it’s what will help me grow, to invest my time in activities that will benefit me later on. You taught me that I don’t have to make my own mistakes to learn from life, that other people’s mistakes can be my guiding step and I can take it from there.
You told me that our goals and perspective will always change, so it’s a must to keep an open mind. Trust me, friend, I have those words etched in my mind and my body wherever I go.
I owe you a better me. Someday, you will meet her. I owe you that, at the least.
You are such a ball of happiness, you. There was never a dull moment when I first met you and I can still recall how happy I was that day even when I already arrived home. You made me realize that I do love surprises when you gave me that paper bag of Time magazine. Thank you for trusting me with a secret that I didn’t see coming. It means a lot to know that someone finds me trustworthy. For that, thank you.
You proved to me that a lack of education is never a hindrance for someone’s success, which ultimately lies in the person’s motivation to strive hard and tick off goals from his bucket list one item at a time. You showed me that we can all dream and that in those dreams, reality can happen. Thank you for teaching me that life needs to be balanced, that you can’t play without working and you can’t dream without moving.
You showed me that life is a mix of the good and the bad, and it’s up to us to make use of what we see and that we have the choice to change our perspective when need be. You showed me that with seriousness can come a dash of silly and it’s never a sorry party to be yourself.
You showed me that hanging out can simply mean to hang out, nothing else. You proved to me that to be accepting of different people and to welcome opposing behaviours and personalities is such a humble and beautiful act. Because welcoming diversity and being versatile with our companions is one way to unite.
I owe you the trust that you have given me. I owe you more laughter, more good juju, and bolder dreams.
How do I even begin? You’ve seen my crazy, you’ve dealt with my drama, but here you are, still sound and sane. You are always challenging me to think deeper than I usually do, to talk about topics I don’t really engage in and, more so, typically avoid, to be authentic to myself and not let others flip my principles and make me believe otherwise.
Every conversation we have only leaves me wiser. I don’t have to pretend to be a smart person when I’m with you because that’s what exactly you see in me. You stimulate me mentally and emotionally, and I’m just so glad our stars have aligned that night we started talking and never stopped.
I’ve never disclosed this in any of our conversations, but I always looking forward to hearing from you. Nothing excites me more than another brain-picking session with you. At one time, I was having one of my emotional breakdowns and you had the right to tell me what to do, and in that moment, I saw myself as a little girl who was being helped up by his father, who was wiping her tears away and willing her to stop crying.
You once called me a gem. Jaded at times, but a gem nonetheless. It left a mark in my heart and I don’t think that mark will ever be erased.
I owe you the same amount of respect you give me, because despite being years apart in our age, you never looked down on me and made me feel small. Indeed, one can never be too smart for the right people.
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Bae is a 20-something passion blogger from Manila. She likes hoarding hobbies and trying out new stuff, blogging about her mundane adventures, and tweeting about random realizations and musings.