reflections,  self

2017: What Went Down 

2017. How do I even start. It was a whirwind of all sorts. By far it was the most stressful, yet the most beautiful in every way. I gained and I lost. Yet I want to believe I gained more. 

I prepared a breakdown of my year to lay down my accomplishments for 2017 but I don’t feel like doing it anymore. As they say, it’s not always about what you’ve achieved, but how any better you feel by the day. And today I just feel okay. No sparkles. No fireworks within me. Just okay. 

It was a trying time. I think it has been for each of us. I guess somehow the Universe planned it all. Rarely do I hear that someone has had a blast this year. Everyone else says otherwise.  

2017 was full of heartbreak in every way. I can’t even begin to tell how or why. It’s also when I grew anxious about every single thing to the point that it makes me restless. And I hurt people with my words and action, albeit it’s not my intention. I can’t remember the last time I woke up well-rested. It’s always a frenzied morning for me. Every day I try to delay the day – I’m always not ready. But it’s not about the day or the night or the month. It’s always about me. I don’t know why I am going through what I am going through, but as they say – let’s all hope for the best. 

I don’t feel 2018 is going to be any fruitful for me, but I hope that’s just the pessimist in me talking. I hope everything turns out to be great anyway. If not for me, then for others. 

I have a lot of catching up and repairing to do – with myself mostly. Some people who don’t know me well think I’m a ball of sunshine. Some who do think of me as the most annoying person on Earth. I can’t blame them. I know I’m both.

I know for one I need more empathy in my blood. And grace. And patience. And compassion. And generosity. And all the good things I don’t have. I also pray to be more open-minded. To not judge easily, to be a listener more than a speaker, to be a good friend, to be a good person. To make better choices & more logical decisions. To be more rational. And not merely depend on my emotions. I hope to see the goodness in me that I quickly see in everyone else. I hope to love myself – like genuinely and whole-heartedly. 

This 2018, I hope to defeat my demons and prove myself wrong – that I’m actually capable, good, and worthy of love and forgiveness. Which is one more thing i need to give myself: forgiveness. For being wrong. For being human. For having flaws. For hurting people. For not always being capable of knowing what’s wrong and what’s right. For making reckless decisions. For being hesitant. For not being in control of my emotions as much as I wanted to be.

But I also aim to take accountability for my actions. I’m done hurting others and myself. 

And forgiveness. For people who hurt me despite the lack of apologies. To set myself free from their wrongdoings and judgments, and be in terms with the fact that maybe I will never get the “sorry” that I deserve. 

I’m still carrying so much in my heart. It all feels so heavy. But I’m hoping that I’ll slowly loose the chains as the year drags on. I miss being light. I want give myself a chance again.

As I posted on my Facebook account, 

2017 was such a trying time. All hell broke loose for me. I gained and lost. I sinned and learned. I broke hearts, mine and others. It was a year full of pain. But in those pains also came comfort and lessons. 

I thank God that despite my struggles, I still have optimism within me. I thank Him for my generosity, even if it’s not apparent to others. I thank Him for my vulnerability because in that vulnerability I was and still am able to share my stories – both good and bad. I am able to touch others with my words. I may be negative in a lot of aspects but some people still see the good in me. Thank you all. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for being my constants through my joy and pain. Thank you God for the power of words. Thank you for giving me that ability. Thank you for entrusting me with creativity. Thank you for always taking me back with open arms no matter how stubborn I can be.

For everyone whose hearts I broke, I’m sorry. Let the new year be a chance for us all. Despite my pessimism at times, I still believe in tomorrows. I still hope. And sometimes that’s all that matters – that you CAN still hope, no matter how many demons tell you otherwise. 

May 2018 be a year of healing. 

With love and light, 

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