Ever since I can remember, I’ve had difficulty figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. I was always so clueless as to what career I’d pursue or what field I wanted to excel in. Almost all of my classmates knew what they wanted, I always thought I could just go with the flow and cross the bridge when I get there, but I did not know it would be that hard and that it would put a lot of pressure on me.

During my 3rd year in high school, I got engrossed in doing plates in my TLE class. It was one of the few subjects I was always excited to attend because it meant spending a good hour with pencils and papers again, which always deemed cut short at the end of every class. I wasn’t the best in drawing but I knew I was good at it. I continuously received praises for my work, and even without them, I knew I was still doing good. I was proud of my small achievements, with or without the applause. Come application season for college, I was clueless what major to get. I wanted to be involved with people, to interact, to be creative, to make art. I wanted to hone my skills while helping others at the same time, so on my application papers, I chose the degrees that related to what I felt I wanted – media, communication, psychology, architecture. But sadly, I also had to put in “Accountancy” due to the demand of my mother – I wouldn’t call it a request or a favor because it didn’t feel like it at the time, and even to this day.

It was a sacrifice I had to make because I didn’t want it in the first place. Taking up that course meant letting my dreams of one day drawing my own plates and designing structures float away. I had to deal with computations, jargons, classes, and professors I didn’t like. I forced my brain to understand things that my heart didn’t want to. I remember texting my mother one day, “It’s too hard for me.” She replied, “Which one?” All I could say was, “Everything”. Every finals period, I would plead hard to God to let me pass because I didn’t want to repeat any Accounting-related subject. I wanted to get done with it. Every time I cried in the chapel, begging Him to whisper to my professor to pass me, I would also promise Him that I would study harder and I would finally take my course seriously. But it never happened. I never loved it. I never made it my passion. I loathed having to bring home endless assignments that made me deal with calculations and problems I wasn’t willing to solve. But I would end up sucking it up and doing them to the best of my abilities, even if I didn’t understand half of it. It brought so much frustration to my life and to this day, I still haven’t figured it out how I managed to graduate on time, or even how I graduated at all.

Transferring to Internal Audit course was easier than Accountancy – let’s face it, it may not be that easier, but it’s more fun than mere numbers. I enjoyed it more but it was still not my forte. I hated my Tax class. I never said it to anyone but I failed at most of my tests and exams, and I would utter a quiet “thank you” whenever I got even the lowest passing grade, because that was good enough for me. I hated having to sit in class and listen to a three-hour lecture where my brain would absorb nothing. I would always let out a sigh of relief after every class, but dread it when it’s that time again. I managed to hide my tears and move on quickly from my failure. Every time a friend would ask, “How did your test go?” I would just smile meekly and grab my notebook from my bag, pretending I was looking forward to the next lecture.

It’s so hard to open up about this because I feel – I know – not much would understand my sentiments. It seems like every one has it all figured out, while I’ve been here for the last 22 years and I’m still asking what life is.

When my anxieties, insecurities, worries, and frustrations get the best of me, I lean not on my own understanding but on God’s word, because I know His plans are higher than my plans, and He is not done with me yet.

I still have a lot to say and I have more feelings to share but I’m already choking up in my own tears, so I will just end this post with a sweet verse –

“So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” – Matthew 10:31

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Bae Milanes

Bae is a 20-something passion blogger from Manila. She likes hoarding hobbies and trying out new stuff, blogging about her mundane adventures, and tweeting about random realizations and musings.
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