I apologize in advance if this blog post would read like a jumble of thoughts here and there because I just really want to pour my heart out and I don’t wanna care much about layout, organization, and things like that.
I’m turning 24 in a week and I don’t know how to feel about it. I never really thought I’d make it this far. No, I’m not sick. I’m not dying. I’m also not suicidal. Okay, maybe at some point in my life, I was. But not right now. So yeah, I didn’t really think I’d make it this far because I never pictured myself being 24.
I’m not sure what’s happening to me exactly but I’ve been down in the dumps since a few weeks back and I’m not sure how to help myself. I try to make myself feel better by taking and editing videos, by shooting amateur makeup tutorials, by watching travel, beauty, and personal vlogs, by playing with our dogs, by reading tweetums books (to check if I still have feelings), by being consistent with my skincare routine, etc. At one point, I even shaved my legs and applied lipstick to feel pretty. But I still feel stuck. Now I’m not sure if I’m having pre-birthday blues/depression or I’m actually in this phase of my life where I freaking don’t know what to do and where to go and why I’m here and what is life really.
You know what really bugs me though? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S MAKING ME SAD.
I’ve also been having all sorts of personal issues and it bugs me that they’re surfacing just now, some of them resurfacing probably because they’re bored to death and they just want to make me feel miserable as if I’m not already.
Uhm, so here’s the thing. I’m not really big on birthday celebrations. I don’t like being the center of attention and I don’t like catering to, accommodating, and doing small talk with people. I don’t like people, period. Haha, sure, but true. But most of all because I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. I just don’t. I don’t feel it’s worth the effort. I don’t feel I am worth the effort. I don’t want to go to a typically nice restaurant and have dinner with my family because it’s my birthday and I should feel special. No. You want to make me happy? Treat me right every day. Talk to me randomly and not just once every year (one wherein you still rely on Facebook to remind you). I just don’t get why people are only nice on others’ birthdays. Is it hard to be nice and kind to me on a daily basis? I have the same take on death. Why are people only so apologetic and full of praises when someone dies? Why didn’t you say all those nice things when the person was still alive?
Anyway, yeah, it might be weird to read but I just compared birthdays with death.
If I’m going to be completely honest, I just want a simple get-together, not with my family necessarily, but with other people I also treasure. I have a lot of ideas in my head (I’m a Gemini so I have two – or more – personalities which make very indecisive), but I don’t exactly see how I’m going to celebrate my birthday. Does that make sense? I have a lot of tentative plans in my head but I’m not sure which one of them is going to actually happen.
Here are some things I want to do for my birthday (not necessarily on the day itself, not necessarily in order):
- Have a Divisoria and Ukay-Ukay haul. Okay, this might make me baduy, but I’m 100% serious about this. I’ve been itching to have new clothes and all those little things that you can buy cheap AF (explains Divi), and seriously, when’s a better time to spoil myself than on my birthday? I don’t shop. My last legit shopping spree was last Christmas. I don’t even want a Prada bag or a Gucci perfume (wait, does that even exist?) – I just want to buy cheap stuff that will make me happy.
- Treat friends to a bar and drink to our hearts’ desire while dancing and being stupid and talking about the most random things. I have very low tolerance for alcohol but I think I’m getting better at drinking. I actually don’t get why people need alcohol to be fun people but I guess it is what it is? I miss those times when my college block mates and I would attend debuts or birthdays and have a slumber party but don’t really sleep since we end up just talking and talking and talking. And then we would just catch a few hours of sleep and wake up groggy and tired, have a quick breakfast, and finally go home. I miss those times. Now that I have a new set of friends, I just want to do that again. Not necessarily have a sleepover party but just drink and be merry. I miss being reckless and ridiculous. I’m usually so uptight that it would take me hours to loosen up, and by the time I’m having fun, everyone else is already too drunk to function. (LOL.) So yeah, I just want to loosen up. It would be 100x better if we could all dance.
- Go back to Galileo Enoteca and have their Cacio e Pepe Spaghetti and their Suppli. Jec and I went their last Valentine’s Day and until this day, I can’t forget the wonderful time we had there. It was, by far, the best dinner we had as a couple. I love basically any kind of cheese and boy were their meals very cheesy. So I want to go back there and have a nice dinner with my boyfriend.
- Listen to Sud/MilesExperience/Jensen & The Flips and be a wild tita. I miss their Swabe Nights session. I happened to attend to one of their Swabe Nights session when it was the last one, and it was the best gig I’ve ever gone to – no joke! I’ve been waiting so long to hear these bands live and when that time came, my emotions were just all over the place! I choked a little when I saw Jimbo because.. *heart eyes*. I also discovered some amazing artists like Zion Aquino, The Five-Story Fire, and Tom’s Story! When I only listened to them on Spotify, I thought Jensen was too light and boring, Miles too weird, Sud just right. When I heard them live, my perspective just switched! Sud was okay, Miles was wild, Jensen was amazing. They were my favorite band that night. They just sounded so different live and I love how they incorporated a lot of classic hits and made them sound modern. ANYWAY. So yeah, I would never say no to Swabe Nights given that it fits the schedule. Now that they have 12 Monkeys in Ortigas (which is like one jeep away from my house!!!), I’m itching to go there. It’s just frustrating that when these three bands are playing (typically on a weekday), Jec has work (he works night shift) and I have no one else to go with.
I thought this blog post would sound really sad and emotional, but it somehow sounds.. chirpy? Anyway, the important thing here is I actually do feel better.
So that’s my take on birthdays. Thanks for hearing me out.