I find myself thinking about you a lot. I didn’t even as so much bother to get a decent piece of paper to write this letter. But I knew I had to let it out, so here I am, writing you a letter, and even thinking of having you read it. But here we go.
I don’t know why I keep remembering you during the quiet moments of my day. I don’t miss you, but I miss what we had and I admit that.
I’m sorry I wasn’t that perfect girl for you. I’m sorry if I broke your heart in any way before you broke mine. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you even though I tried. I’m sorry I didn’t ask, but I’m also sorry that you didn’t say anything. You could have, but you didn’t.
I utter your name in silence even though I shouldn’t. I imagine your face even if I shouldn’t. I remember you, period. But I shouldn’t. I guess my point is, I’m still hurting. Even though I no longer want you. You were so kind to me, gentle. But it’s strange how I was once a part of your every day but now I’m nobody to you.
I’m not asking you now to make me a part of your life again, but I guess my subconscious is telling me that I’m still in pain and in the process of feeling – and letting go of – my pain, I have to remember you all over again. I guess it hurts this much because, after all these years, I was the one who got left behind. But I believe I was also the one who got away. We both did, because if we both stayed in this relationship, we’d only end up in misery, with none of us being able to promise the other anything because neither of us was prepared for it, for your situation.
I’m not sure if I somehow became selfish during your pain, and if I did, I’m sorry.
I didn’t see this coming. I was starting to regard you as my happy ending, but you ended it and it didn’t make me happy at all. You needed to find yourself, but in the process, you had to lose me and cut me off from your life. It was unfair, no doubt, but I’m not going to go there. There’s no use trying to name the blame.
Despite all that, I want you to know that I’m happy now. I really am. I have a man who appreciates me but also doesn’t hesitate to teach me when I need to learn, whether the easy way or the hard way. He’s older than you but I know he’ll guide me through. Our relationship is not perfect, but it’s full of love and trust.
We had our moments, you and me, but now I want to cherish our moments, my moments with him, without feeling regretful or sorry about our past. I’m so tired of pitying myself for the things I should have done but didn’t because I didn’t really have to. I’m tired of saving our memories even though I don’t need to. Hell, it’s the last thing I need right now. I’m tired of remembering you and wondering and asking so many questions. I’m tired of remembering you, period. In some ways you made me question love and its impact. I questioned my capacity to love and if I still deserved to give and receive.
But now I believe that I can still make love win. I still have a shot at love. In fact, I have love right now.
I know that this wound will take some time to heal but I’m willing to start now. I have to. We may not have had a happy ending, but we still had our story. It brought me to a depressing state, but I know I can’t stay there forever.
Now be well. I may still be in the same state even after writing this letter, I can’t even promise that I will be well months after this, but at least I was able to let go of some of my feelings. I wanted to sound smart, but I could only be honest.
I’m going to let you go now. I’m leaving you my love and light.
And then I’m going. I hope you find what you’re looking for – yourself.
Bae is a 20-something passion blogger from Manila. She likes hoarding hobbies and trying out new stuff, blogging about her mundane adventures, and tweeting about random realizations and musings.