2 A.M. Writing
Disclaimer: I’m not supposed to be writing this. But I am anyway. I thought I could write on one of my social media platforms, but why delay it to be perfect? That’s my blog’s job. Anyway, on to it.
I was sort of cleaning my email (actually just sorting the starred emails so I have quick access to important emails) when I came across some email threads between me and an ex. While I no longer remember the exact words we said to each other, I know we had that moment. Once upon a time, there was an us. Years after, I’m finally at this point where I can read our past messages without crying. I cringe from time to time, though.
It’s amazing how time accurately reveals who a person really is. After all the honeymoon stage, after the breakup, nothing is really left except some beautiful memories and heartache. But most of all, heartache. While I know I can no longer bring back the past (and I don’t intend to), part of me is still working towards that thing called… forgiveness. You don’t really know what it is until you’ve let time do its work. And it sucks that it takes so much time. I just want to be there already, but no, I have to feel every stage of the process.
If there’s something I learned from that relationship, it’s that love is not just about the butterflies and the roses. It’s about companionship, care, friendship. But most of all, care. It’s a shame that after he left me, I never got any more messages from him, but it’s a nice reminder that no message is also a message. I have a part on it, too, though. I mean, of course you can’t message someone who already blocked you everywhere. But, still. I held on to that promise that we would stay friends. Friends my ass. Anyway, once upon a time I was completely head over heels in love. I was naive. As I often am in every relationship I enter – even until today. But after all those broken promises and confused intentions, you can really tell who cares and who doesn’t.
Years of regrets and doubts, and several open letters after, I’m still not over the pain. I’m not gonna lie. It’s not like I miss the person. No. More like, the pain of not being enough still lingers. It’s just an aftermath, logically speaking. I still haven’t wrapped my head around the idea (not a fact yet for now) that I can be enough for someone. There are still doubts, the lack of trust (towards me and my partner), the anxiety attacks, the fears.
(See what you did to me? For you, it’s been years. But to me, it only felt like yesterday. But you don’t know that. Of course not. Why? Because you don’t really care. And you never did. You never did.)
I guess moving on is never really easy. I wish I could say, “goodbye!” and that’s it. But it’s not that easy. Now that I think about it, the relationship wasn’t based on anything at all. Crudely speaking, I’d even bet that he was just bored at the moment while I.. I was there. I existed. And so that was it.
I still have much to learn. And I can only do so with time, which sucks, but what can I do, right?
To you, one day I will finally move on and never go back. Someday I will remember you and no longer have anger in my heart. One day, I will finally set myself free from all the pain you have given me.
Someday. But not yet. I’m still working on forgiving you.
Still, thank you for breaking my heart. You showed me everything I should stay away from. You taught me to be smarter, and to listen to my gut more than anything.
So yeah, good luck to you, too.